Parenting

One fun thing I like to do on the Google search engine is to type in the start of a phrase and watch it fill the rest in for you. I learn so much about what interests people in real time on the internet this way. If major influencers and entrepreneurs and corporations do it, why shouldn’t all of us, the insatiably curious, do it too? This morning I came across a term I had not heard: (hashtag)GirlDad. “Oh, this should be good,” I thought. As an advocate for dad’s rights, and for equality (not only to men as co-parents, but for everyone as humans), my curiosity got the best of me. I stood up with my back straight, bent my knees slightly, then leapt into the rabbit hole. I am working on an essay titled, “Fight Like A Girl.” It’s a play on words. This old saying was used to poke fun at boys who couldn’t do something well, or at least as well as a boy should. The old world shaming phrase of boys, by males, is by default demeaning toward girls. As young males, we had hoops to jump through to earn our way into that holy-grail construct called man-hood. Like all manipulation tactics, it was used wisely and misused widely. The effectiveness is a matter of perception. This is where my search begins. My search starts with finding stories of famous dads who are raising or have raised daughters. Honestly, I’m looking to smash the status quo by making an example of dads who raise their daughters to be dependent on a partner. My daughter is sitting next to me doing homework as I come across the term. So, I ask her what she thinks it means. “You.” She answers. “Aww. Thank you. But what does it mean?” I ask again. “That you’re a dad raising a daughter?” “Sure. I mean, I am. But this is a recent term used to describe a certain kind of dad.” I answer. For a second I feel like I’m actually hipper and more in-the-know than my teenage kid. “What does it mean, Dad?” “Let me look it up.” There is a small and not very fulfilling sense of pride when your kid asks you a question you don’t know the answer to so you have to look it up on the internet. Fleeting pride—A pleasing sense I’ll take any day of the week over the attitude I got in the preteen to mid-teen years for sure. I share two definitions with her. Being a #GirlDad means recognizing the worth of a daughter is equal to the worth of a son. And being a #GirlDad means contributing to the strides being made toward gender equality. The movement of #GirlDad demonstrates model examples of how fathers should value their daughters, and in turn, women. – Katie Winbauer. Bismark Tribune This article, which some say coined the phrase, was written to honor Kobe Bryant. “Wow!” I thought. “If the skeletons of his past in regard to treatment of women could be forgiven, anybody’s could, including my own.” I’m explaining my recollection of this to my daughter when she says, “Don’t you have an article to write GirlDad?” “Yes, honey.” I love my kid. Kathleen Odenthal, in an article titled “10 Reasons Why Fathers are so Important to their Daughters” (Holidappy magazine) writes: Being a father means being a role model and setting the standard for how their daughters will view other men. A father who shows love to the women in his life and is nurturing and compassionate can help his daughter avoid unhealthy relationships and friendships with men as she ages. In my ready-to-be-humbled experience, my truth is something of a mix of these two. Bear in mind, both are attempts to explain the importance of the dad/daughter relationship, as told by a woman. When I read the first definition I asked myself, “Don’t all men raise their daughters this way?” Personal Experience: When the sole responsibility of raising a daughter was placed on my shoulders, I had no education or experience or community (that I knew of nor could easily find) to show me how. I chose to ask for help, which is the same for men as asking directions, but there were and continue to be too few resources available. More than that, I had to trust in my almost non-existent intuitive sense. This is one hurdle dads are challenged to overcome. One which most of us haven’t been raised to overcome nor expected to succeed at. The premise of gender equality should be taken in the literal sense. We should want to self-correct when we find ourselves falling back on double-standards, or having it both ways. How do we know what is good for the goose unless we take a gander at honestly flipping scripts? In regard to equality and worth, I used to joke that expecting a girl to be as good as a boy is setting the bar too low for the girl! Perhaps my view is not the norm here. Before my daughter was born, I held no preference in regard to the sexual identification of my child. I still don’t. All I ask of her is that she makes the most of who and what she is. I don’t think the second definition correlates to the #GirlDad concept, but it came up on the Google search. There may be some truth in the idea that the way a dad treats his daughter will align in her mind with how she sees that she should be treated. Then again, there are so many exceptions to this. A dad who, out of love, is harsh and punitive with one daughter creates a confident, fearless warrior yet with a different daughter a broken, dependent, sensitive one. In reading the second definition, my overriding thought is, “No wonder there is so much angry vitriol toward men as fathers.” Where I feel called to advocate is for the many good dads who get lumped in with ALL dads, including those toward whom the dissatisfaction is directed. It is our responsibility to single these men out. I will never defend the men who are or have been abusive, negligent, belligerent, or ignorant of their children. Likewise, a man who does everything he can but falls short of societal expectations is not a loser, or idiot, or less-than parent. He’s a human. Without the hard-earned accolades of being an actual doctor or expert, I’ve only an opinion to lend. My non-certified schooling comes in the form of day to day responsibilities raising a daughter. If you value life experience, then you’ll like these. Nine Ways To Be A Better #GirlDad: 1) Tell your daughter how much you love her. 2) Nurture, encourage, and support her when it comes to ideas she has that are healthy for her, no matter what your opinion is on them. 3) Listen to her discuss her dreams. Watch her get wide-eyed and excited. Don’t shut it down by explaining the realities of why or why not. Share your wisdom, don’t preach it. Circle back another time for the ‘parentsplaining’ talk if you can see this turning out unhealthily for her. 4) Never compare her to other students, people’s kids, failures, successes, boys, or yourself. 5) Let her know she can do anything. 6) Applaud her strengths when she doesn’t expect it. 7) Spend time together on a project you know nothing about. 8) Listen to her. Have deep discussions where she knows she is being heard. Your wisdom is more useful when it is asked about. 9) Don’t Coddle. Enabling, and pedestal-ing are death to independence, confidence, and inner-strength. Do not lie to her to keep her from hurting. Every human thrives better with honesty than any other emotion.

If I were to say there is an informational pandemic, it would imply that there was a time when informative sources were reliable and now they are not. When it comes to information and resources to benefit solo custodial fathers, this is not the case. Information for single dads that is personalized (we are a marginalized class), consistent, and qualitative, has yet to be good. This is an illness; a woe upon society that has negative effects, long term, on children. Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a dad when it comes to the deep, emotional caring for his children. Most of us make due, encumbered by our own limitations. Still, none of us can do it alone. When the State of Oregon awarded sole custody of my daughter to me, my spirit soared. I finally had a fighting chance at protecting my little girl from the litany of no-shows, let downs, close-calls, and harmful situations she was exposed to thanks to her birth mother’s substance use disorder (SUD). As I’ve come to better understand addiction, I’ve learned an indisputable truth: every addict’s behavior comes as the result of making a choice. Having barely turned four years old, my daughter was far from completely being raised. It was a wakeup call like no other. As my fight to get protective custody came to a close, I found myself at the standing at edge of the unknown. “Watch what you wish for, you just might get it.” At the time, I had less than a year in recovery from drugs myself. As gracious as I was (still am) with the joy of fully being there for my child, I had to admit I was in over my head. Fortunately, I had faith in my Higher Power, support from my twelve step program fellowship, and the daily clarity of a clean mind. There were very few websites, forums, or books to help. Everything was geared toward women. My people were not represented. Realizing I can’t be a single parent raising my daughter alone, one of the first things I asked was, “How do women do this?” The National Center for Substance Abuse and Child Welfare tells us that 1 in 8 children in the United States under 17 is living in a household where a parent is struggling with addiction. Nearly 9 million kids (I’ve seen estimates as high as 26 million) are in this predicament. This means increased risk of neglect, chaos, poverty, substance exposure, domestic violence, and removal by state child welfare professionals. Speaking as an addict in recovery, none of those types of statistics mattered to me when I was using. Remember this if you are a dad wanting to protect your child(ren) from a harmful situation with their addled mother. Give yourself a break from negative self-talk when you get upset or give in to unreasonable demands, but please, get yourself some help. No one gets better unless they want to. The most frightening component you’ll face as a dad whose kids are enduring a parents’ substance abuse situation are the potential long-term effects. The likelihood your exposed children will struggle with drugs themselves or get into a relationship with a person who has a SUD increases compared to homes where no substance abuse is occurring. Over time, the effects will show up in our kids. They might express themselves by letting out feelings of powerlessness, self-hate, hopelessness, abandonment, worthlessness, depression, or anger. I’m dealing with the fallout of this today. On season two of the television series, The Flight Attendant, the main character Cassidy Bowden (played by Kaley Cuoco), struggles with alcoholism. The writers provide an accurate in-depth look at the conflicting voices in many an alcoholic’s head. There is an imaginary room called the ‘mind palace’ where our (I identify as an alcoholic/addict in recovery) demons and other personalities are represented (i.e., wild me, healthy future me, boring me, child me, etc.). As Cassidy opens lines of communication between her many selves, she comes to find that her substance use disorder was enabled by her upbringing–the lack of and/or overcompensation style parenting inherent to substance abuse. As she struggles with humility in her quest to put herself back together in sobriety, she has an unexpected meeting with her mother–the loving parent burdened with the brunt of alcoholic wreckage by both daughter and husband. Attempting to make amends by using her own interpretation of the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, Cassidy apologizes for the pain she has caused. In a moment of transparency, the mom, played by Sharon Stone, tells Cassidy, “I love you, but I don’t like you. I will not forgive you until you learn to forgive yourself.” The words of Sharon Stone’s character in the scene seemed blunt, but I knew it came from a place of love. My wife and I were in tears. My daughter left the room. I took into account that, now an adult, she has been burdened by years of intermittent interaction and emotional neglect by her substance challenged birth mother. This scene triggered too much emotion. The pain we leave in our kids is real. For a sole custody dad looking to explain the maternal absence due to substance abuse issues, the challenge is real, daily, and lifelong. Please consider this blog as a resource. Some of the books mentioned below might help, even though only one is written by a male. I work tirelessly to find ways men can be aided as single parents. We are a minority, yet rapidly growing number. Our role is of the utmost importance. I know firsthand that it takes time to sift through the tons of social material full of spiteful remarks, resentment, even hate. Most men don’t want to bother with the negative expression, but find themselves having to, especially when dealing with a system set up to favor a parent based on genitalia. Divorce puts the fun in dysfunctional. But it’s traumatic for kids. Both parents forget this all too easily. We move on. The kids don’t have that capacity yet. Some suggested books (apologies that no links are provided as this is not an endorsement): My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a Disease: A Child’s View: Living With Addiction by Claudia Black. 2018 – A story for children ages 5-12, with drawing exercises to help them work through their feelings of loss, loneliness, abandonment, and frustration over an addicted parent. Emmy’s Question by Jeannine Auth. 2014 – A story inspired by the diary of a young girl, and was endorsed prior to publication by the Betty Ford Center’s Children’s Program. I Can Be Me: A Helping Book for Children of Alcoholic Parents by Dianne S. O’Connor. 2009 – An illustrated book for ages 4-12, this story is aimed at helping children of addicts take off the masks that hide their true feelings and educates them about substance abuse and how the kids are not to blame for their parents’ behavior. Addie’s Mom Isn’t Home Anymore: Addiction is scary, especially when you don’t know what it is by Genia Calvin. 2021 – Addie is a young girl who doesn’t know who, if not her own mom, she can trust. This story helps a child overcome their fear of helping someone you love who can’t be helped. Timbi Talks About Addiction: Helping Children Cope with Addiction by Trish Healy Luna, Janet Healy Hellier, and Mackenzie Mitchell. 2020 – A story teaching that addiction is a disease and is not their fault. This book has been recognized as a resource in fighting the damaging impact of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) Floating Away: A Book to Help Children Understand Addiction by Andrew J. Bauman. 2019 – A metaphorical story told from the perspective of a child working through a storm An Elephant in the Living Room by Jill M. Hastings and Marion H. Typpo. 1994 – This illustrated story is one of the early Hazelden children’s books aimed at helping a child cope with alcoholism and addiction. I welcome your thoughts and encourage all dads to network. Let me know how I can help you. Please join my mailing list or leave a comment below.