Be Good To You: Taking the Steps 2020 - Step Four

One fun thing I like to do on the Google search engine is to type in the start of a phrase and watch it fill the rest in for you. I learn so much about what interests people in real time on the internet this way. If major influencers and entrepreneurs and corporations do it, why shouldn’t all of us, the insatiably curious, do it too? This morning I came across a term I had not heard: (hashtag)GirlDad. “Oh, this should be good,” I thought. As an advocate for dad’s rights, and for equality (not only to men as co-parents, but for everyone as humans), my curiosity got the best of me. I stood up with my back straight, bent my knees slightly, then leapt into the rabbit hole. I am working on an essay titled, “Fight Like A Girl.” It’s a play on words. This old saying was used to poke fun at boys who couldn’t do something well, or at least as well as a boy should. The old world shaming phrase of boys, by males, is by default demeaning toward girls. As young males, we had hoops to jump through to earn our way into that holy-grail construct called man-hood. Like all manipulation tactics, it was used wisely and misused widely. The effectiveness is a matter of perception. This is where my search begins. My search starts with finding stories of famous dads who are raising or have raised daughters. Honestly, I’m looking to smash the status quo by making an example of dads who raise their daughters to be dependent on a partner. My daughter is sitting next to me doing homework as I come across the term. So, I ask her what she thinks it means. “You.” She answers. “Aww. Thank you. But what does it mean?” I ask again. “That you’re a dad raising a daughter?” “Sure. I mean, I am. But this is a recent term used to describe a certain kind of dad.” I answer. For a second I feel like I’m actually hipper and more in-the-know than my teenage kid. “What does it mean, Dad?” “Let me look it up.” There is a small and not very fulfilling sense of pride when your kid asks you a question you don’t know the answer to so you have to look it up on the internet. Fleeting pride—A pleasing sense I’ll take any day of the week over the attitude I got in the preteen to mid-teen years for sure. I share two definitions with her. Being a #GirlDad means recognizing the worth of a daughter is equal to the worth of a son. And being a #GirlDad means contributing to the strides being made toward gender equality. The movement of #GirlDad demonstrates model examples of how fathers should value their daughters, and in turn, women. – Katie Winbauer. Bismark Tribune This article, which some say coined the phrase, was written to honor Kobe Bryant. “Wow!” I thought. “If the skeletons of his past in regard to treatment of women could be forgiven, anybody’s could, including my own.” I’m explaining my recollection of this to my daughter when she says, “Don’t you have an article to write GirlDad?” “Yes, honey.” I love my kid. Kathleen Odenthal, in an article titled “10 Reasons Why Fathers are so Important to their Daughters” (Holidappy magazine) writes: Being a father means being a role model and setting the standard for how their daughters will view other men. A father who shows love to the women in his life and is nurturing and compassionate can help his daughter avoid unhealthy relationships and friendships with men as she ages. In my ready-to-be-humbled experience, my truth is something of a mix of these two. Bear in mind, both are attempts to explain the importance of the dad/daughter relationship, as told by a woman. When I read the first definition I asked myself, “Don’t all men raise their daughters this way?” Personal Experience: When the sole responsibility of raising a daughter was placed on my shoulders, I had no education or experience or community (that I knew of nor could easily find) to show me how. I chose to ask for help, which is the same for men as asking directions, but there were and continue to be too few resources available. More than that, I had to trust in my almost non-existent intuitive sense. This is one hurdle dads are challenged to overcome. One which most of us haven’t been raised to overcome nor expected to succeed at. The premise of gender equality should be taken in the literal sense. We should want to self-correct when we find ourselves falling back on double-standards, or having it both ways. How do we know what is good for the goose unless we take a gander at honestly flipping scripts? In regard to equality and worth, I used to joke that expecting a girl to be as good as a boy is setting the bar too low for the girl! Perhaps my view is not the norm here. Before my daughter was born, I held no preference in regard to the sexual identification of my child. I still don’t. All I ask of her is that she makes the most of who and what she is. I don’t think the second definition correlates to the #GirlDad concept, but it came up on the Google search. There may be some truth in the idea that the way a dad treats his daughter will align in her mind with how she sees that she should be treated. Then again, there are so many exceptions to this. A dad who, out of love, is harsh and punitive with one daughter creates a confident, fearless warrior yet with a different daughter a broken, dependent, sensitive one. In reading the second definition, my overriding thought is, “No wonder there is so much angry vitriol toward men as fathers.” Where I feel called to advocate is for the many good dads who get lumped in with ALL dads, including those toward whom the dissatisfaction is directed. It is our responsibility to single these men out. I will never defend the men who are or have been abusive, negligent, belligerent, or ignorant of their children. Likewise, a man who does everything he can but falls short of societal expectations is not a loser, or idiot, or less-than parent. He’s a human. Without the hard-earned accolades of being an actual doctor or expert, I’ve only an opinion to lend. My non-certified schooling comes in the form of day to day responsibilities raising a daughter. If you value life experience, then you’ll like these. Nine Ways To Be A Better #GirlDad: 1) Tell your daughter how much you love her. 2) Nurture, encourage, and support her when it comes to ideas she has that are healthy for her, no matter what your opinion is on them. 3) Listen to her discuss her dreams. Watch her get wide-eyed and excited. Don’t shut it down by explaining the realities of why or why not. Share your wisdom, don’t preach it. Circle back another time for the ‘parentsplaining’ talk if you can see this turning out unhealthily for her. 4) Never compare her to other students, people’s kids, failures, successes, boys, or yourself. 5) Let her know she can do anything. 6) Applaud her strengths when she doesn’t expect it. 7) Spend time together on a project you know nothing about. 8) Listen to her. Have deep discussions where she knows she is being heard. Your wisdom is more useful when it is asked about. 9) Don’t Coddle. Enabling, and pedestal-ing are death to independence, confidence, and inner-strength. Do not lie to her to keep her from hurting. Every human thrives better with honesty than any other emotion.

I devote hours of my energy toward helping newcomers in different online platforms. This is my way of giving back. But it is also one of my protections against returning to the desolation of drug abuse. My personal path and story are actually not any more important or useful than anyone else’s. If you knew the humongous ego who was Paul Summers before I came to find a program of recovery that worked for me, you’d be surprised that I could ever be humble enough to type that last sentence. Growth. Growth is not just a word; it’s not some reward you earn for doing nothing. It’s not a concept you believe in and therefor you are granted. It’s a present that feels nothing like a gift. And it is reversible. On one of my social media accounts, it is clear in my bio that I am in recovery. Yet, I continue to get followers who are drug dealers. The most common are those peddling psychedelics and marijuana. Studies have shown that the latter has been proven to be addictive (and still illegal, federally). I found it appalling that dealers would friend or follow me. This made no sense, so I’ve dared to ask why. The responses I’m getting are defensive—the follower sounding dumbfounded that I am questioning their ‘good’ nature. Each one believes they have set up shop in order to ‘help’ alcoholics and addicts. How did they get this disinformation? Welcome to the era of what I call Recovery ‘Light.’ It’s not new. Hell, when I was steeped in active addiction, substituting one high for another was a path I believed would solve my slight issue–the addictive tendencies I denied. I tried many different times. I tried many different ways. I did not get clean until I … GOT CLEAN. My definition of Recovery ‘Light’ is when a person believes they don’t have a drug problem as long as they don’t do their DOC (drug of choice). This person has been convinced somehow that indulging in any mind-altering, addictive substance, as long as it won’t take them over and be a distracting obsession, is totally okay. Additionally, the idea is that as long as one isn’t creating wreckage and undermining self, it’s okay to use. These two assumptions are usually made without the clarity of being sober, nor with the help of a source outside themselves like the loved one, family member, or community most affected by their using. There are segments of the recovery community who are taking and being taken advantage of by this ideology. This does a great disservice to people in early recovery who have not yet committed to recovery. Those newcomers who are sensitive to being told the truth; those who dismiss concepts like abstinence and making amends as plots to bring guilt and shame-inducing patriarchal or religious disciplines; those who want to be in recovery and still get high—these are willing participants in Recovery ‘Light.’ I remember being in a meeting and hearing someone say, “I wish I could get loaded and keep my clean date.” Everyone in the room laughed. But it made me think … isn’t that the special secret wish we all have? Yes. Just like we wish we weren’t addicts and alcoholics. But we are if we say we are. I am. I don’t feel the least bit less-than by making this admission. It’s a testimonial I continue to make and feel safe doing so. What is dangerous is being suspicious that you might have a problem and being unwilling to admit that you are an addict or alcoholic. Personally, by admitting to having a disease, I gain the courage to work on beating the illness that all but destroyed a good twenty years of my life: the disease of addiction. I’ll never beat it, just like humans won’t ever entirely beat a virus out of existence. We can only work on building our personal strength a little bit at a time. A daily reprieve is a lot to be grateful for. The difference between those with the disease and those unlikely to have the disease is that those who can use casually and not obsess on their DOC to the point of hurting, stealing, undermining, and being enslaved by the compulsion to use more are not inflicted with the disease. Denial. Contained within this practice of Recovery ‘Light’ is a movement of non-addict/alcoholics pushing a ‘new’ concept called Harm Reduction. Just like Capitalism or Communism, Harm Reduction looks good on paper. Great keywords, too. Who wouldn’t want to be in a program whose ideology is reducing harm? Whose harm is getting reduced? My loose interpretation of this is that, by allowing a person addicted to drugs or alcohol some comfort as they withdraw from their drug of choice, the cycle of addiction will be broken. The notion is that, by eliminating the self-esteem breaking thoughts and feelings which come about when one is getting off of drugs, a person in recovery can heal faster and their transition off of chemical dependency will be smoother. That smooth metamorphosis, it is believed, aids the recovering person and increases the likelihood their recovery will be long term. I get in heated arguments over this. Partially because this is being pushed by the medical/medicinal community. I think that alone scares me enough to not give it a chance. If someone is making ongoing money off of people’s life changes and the possibilities they will become healthy, then they also potentially make money off you while you continue to be unhealthy. Studies are showing that, in the area of depression, many have been taken advantage of and over-medicated for decades. This is why and how I ended up in a twelve step program. I owed nobody anything. My success and/or failure was up to me. I came to realize I had the key to unlock the prison cell door I had locked myself into. I got out for free. There isn’t an easy way out, just as there was no easy way in. There is no quick fix. There is no participant trophy. You are either and addict/alcoholic or you are not. There’s no such thing as getting high on a drug you don’t care for when you are an addict. Any drug you can find is the drug you’ll abuse at some point. If you’re reading this and your experience so far is that you can’t stop drinking once you start, but then you try micro-dosing on mushrooms and you don’t want to drink anymore – well then, you’re probably not an alcoholic. But, if you start doing those mushrooms on weekends, then on Thursday through Sunday, then every day of the week, you are an addict/alcoholic. This current movement has come in many shapes and with many names over the past six decades. Social media is notorious for getting people convinced that the latest and greatest panacea is not another re-hashed snake oil from the Boomer Era. Eye candy distractions. Let’s look a little deeper. If you have a problem with meth, how can you stop? Meth addiction is weird. I was always able to stop for a few months, especially after a few weeks in a row of being up for more than three days at a time. I didn’t give a shit about losing a job or girlfriend or even the strain it put on my family. I didn’t feel much of anything while I was up. But when I came down, all those stinky feelings started oozing out of the pores in my brain. And when the body has had enough, you ride the discomfort out for a few days and start to feel human again. Then, you deal with the consequences and (usually) guilt of the neglecting of self. I probably vowed to stay off speed for three months about thirty times. I always came back to it. In the meantime, I was self-medicating. I was ‘reducing’ the harm in my head I had caused myself. I was using my best ideas to ease my worst thinking. The answer was inevitably to find a way to feel good. I’m no doctor. But a doctor or scientist will break it down to a brain cell level and tell you the biological reason we chase after that synapsis firing endorphin rush. Replacement therapy. If I can’t have my drug of choice, I’m going to have a melt-down. If I don’t have my drug of choice, I’m going to die. If I can’t have my drug of choice, people better get really afraid of what I might do. It’s no mistake that it is called our drug of choice. Nobody forces us to put it inside our bloodstream. We choose to. Therefore, we get to choose how we stop putting it in our body. We can titrate down. We can do replacement drugs like methadone or suboxone if you have an opiate addiction. For meth, it wouldn’t make sense to inject a person going through withdrawals with Ritalin. But if that became an actual practice, the idea would be the same. Make the coming down off of abused drugs comfortable and relaxing. This is a severe misunderstanding of addiction. The saying, “One is too many and a thousand never enough,” explains the disease. If I knew I could go to treatment (if I could afford it) and still get loaded, wouldn’t that, as a premise, undermine the very reason for going? Unless … Unless I didn’t really want to stop. But if I’m locked in a preferred state of mind for addicts … denial … and get some therapist or treatment center nurse with an Associate’s Degree telling me of an easy out, I’m going to go for the easy out. I’d gladly kick the can down the road. Because the nurse says it’s okay; that I’ll be okay if I’m on something while I get off something else. Good lord. That’s like saying, “I know I’m collecting better unemployment wages by staying home, but I really do want to work, but I don’t really have to, so I won’t.” That’s like saying, “I love and miss those little kids I lost custody of in the divorce so much, I’ll check in on them sometime in the next few weeks.” The most entertaining part of writing an essay like this is that it puts me at odds with educated martyrs of the medical profession. I ask you to take some time and look over their evidence, and the opposing evidence. Evaluate it all as best you can, but remember, you might just be an addict or an alcoholic. If you are, it means that you have a disease with is going to lie to you to keep you in a state of denial which will make you question anything which might potentially rob it from getting its next fix. If you try harm reduction and are still repeating the same behaviors which, in the first place, made you suspect you might have a problem – start questioning the validity of that medical practice. No one who wears a doctor’s office smock has ever resolved my obsession with drugs, including booze. After decades of overdosing, losing everything, destroying what I didn’t lose, hurting people physically and emotionally, moving a thousand miles away only to start using again within a month, losing jobs, and ultimately losing my daughter, I was ready to admit I had a problem and that no pill, powder, or liquid was going to solve it. I found the twelve steps (or they found me). I found a Higher Power I call God (or He led me) The program I work does not cosign any check I might be wanting to cash from the bank of bullshit. Today I’m accountable to the truth. But as an addict, that truth is often hidden from me. I can more easily see when someone is denying themselves their own truth, but I have a hard time seeing mine when I look for it. That is why the program is so useful, especially interaction with the others in it. The lies in our head are exposed. The program is simple, but not easy. It certainly isn’t as easy getting loaded on wine because you have a problem with heroin. I wrote this essay to share my experience that I’ve tried every combination and substitute that was available. Just because there are new drugs since I chose to stop fifteen years ago, doesn’t mean the truth isn’t still self-evident. The truth and promise of the program works because I work it. This means I get to take an active part in being okay, if not better than ever, but at the very least better than I was before. I had to work for it. Not one day of the over 6,000 days were given to me. Not one. I chose to see (finally) that my experience with harm was that I harmed myself, then anyone close. The only way that harm got reduced was when I chose to stop getting loaded.

Fourteen days? A hundred? In person or on social media, any time someone mentions how many days clean they have, ask them this question. Then tell them the answer. The answer is always nothing. Nothing is better than X amount of days sober. Even if it’s one day, the answer is nothing. We don’t accumulate days by keeping our eye on out of reach goals. This question of what’s better is almost as ancient as twelve step programs. Prior to the notion of recovery programs, an alcoholic’s attempt to curb their addiction must’ve been a very solitary affair. What, if any, support group was around for whom the sober person could turn to? Compared to today’s uglier side of social media, the shaming must’ve been horrendous. Add to that the shunning. Many must’ve seen obsessive using as the only place to find solace. Many likely turned to isolation, desolation, and suicide. History shows us how we are safe when we are pack animals. When we veer away from the pack, we take on the encumbrance of life-threatening challenges. A person wanting go get clean and sober today has the pack to turn to. For an addict/alcoholic, however, belonging to a particular pack can either make us better or make us worse. One pack wants to nurture us back to healthy sobriety by sharing the insights into what has worked for them through the trial and error experiences collectively learned from the pack as a whole. One pack wants to show us how to turn only to God and the Bible, asking that we trust in the strength which comes through faith. One pack wants to elevate or enlighten our cognitive process through pharmaceutical medication and behavioral therapy. One recently evolving pack asks that we abstain ourselves from our favorite substance to abuse while giving ourself permission to indulge in others. Each pack is prone to point out weaknesses of the others, yet some self-govern and are better at self-discipline in these matters. As in the difference between world religions, each pack has merit conceptually. It often boils down to the membership or flock or congregation. All have fallible humans. The practitioners have more to do with the imperfection than the programs themselves. We have the responsibility of choosing wisely then learning from our choices. We who seek recovery don’t have to live like lepers today. We can feel free to shout from the hilltop what we have accomplished; that we have earned another day free of the substance(s) we have been abusing to the point that we could no longer deny how we had allowed it to undermine and sabotage our life. For today, and today only, we are done. And because we don’t know whether or not we will make it through tomorrow until tomorrow is over, we can speak confidently out about our achievement with humility. Thus the answer. Nothing is better than a day ending victorious over our alcoholism. It may just be the end of one day to others, but to us it is a victory over unhealthy thoughts which lead to unhealthy behaviors which lead to being in an unhealthy predicament. This is a truth serum that has no anti-dote. There is no such thing as getting it half right. You either identify as an alcoholic, or you don’t. You either understand to the best of your ability that you are an addict, or you are not. Whether you have one day or 5,693 days. Each and every day sober/clean is an actualization of an intention to be healthier manifested. For us, that intention doesn’t usually begin internally. For most of us, it is external. An outcome reached through losing. Losing a loved one, a job, property, integrity, status, or health. Both impactful and repetitive losing can translate into a lifesaving course of action if we allow it to. Try it. Give yourself permission to be good to you.

My wife Jennifer and I just got back from sailing the Norwegian Alaskan cruise onboard the Encore. This is our first ever cruise. While it’s still fresh on our minds, we thought we’d inform anyone else leaving in 2023 of what we learned, our experience, and tips. We are not endorsed by NCL or their competitors. We’re just a married couple celebrating our anniversary and the honeymoon we never took because of our blended family and how important our parenting is to us. PRE-SAIL TIPS: Book your vacation and excursions as early as possible. The excursions sell out right away although some open up again because people change their mind or cancel. If there’s one you really want that is sold out, call the Norwegian telephone number and ask for options. Download the Norwegian App and get familiar with it a few days before departure. Complete all the Pre-Check checklist items. You must have your choices made 48 hours prior to the sail date. According to the website you cannot make changes while onboard. If you plan on checking bags or suitcases, be sure to print out your baggage labels. These will help the staff know what room to bring your luggage to. You will need a stapler to attached the printed paper to itself. OPTIONS/TIPS: If money is not an issue, purchase all of the expensive “best” plans. If you are frugal like us, just know there will be limitations. Every penny you attempt to save keeps you from an engaging an activity. Keep that in mind before you go. We did not purchase the fine dining plans = we were limited by having to make a reservation (which were limited) to eat at any of the ‘pay’ restaurants. We do not drink alcohol, but we thought the unlimited beverage price was unreasonably priced, so we opted to purchase soda as we went. We were told by a reliable friend that the Premium Unlimited WiFi wasn’t any better than the Standard plan, which we purchased as was suggested. The limitations versus cost effectiveness regarding online capabilities are astounding. By the third day onboard I resigned myself to looking at the vacation as a vacation as emails and streaming were too slow to enjoy, engage, or endure. At over $100.00 each, this is sad to report. Our biggest disappointment of the Norwegian ENCORE experience is based mostly on principle. I don’t want to go into too much evaluation here because the reason for writing this article is to capture the essence of the trip we just returned from while providing the average beginning traveler or middle class income traveler with reliable information. This article is for people who have booked or are booking the trip but have not left yet. Before leaving, you will be asked to watch the safety video again. This would be a great opportunity to inform you and every traveler about some of the processes. We understand the importance of safety, but there’s no time like the present when you have your customers attention. DAY ONE We arrived at our parking center in the Seattle CruisePark at the scheduled time. You will find this a little chaotic. People from each of the two or three cruise ships park here and take the shuttle over. We chose this because it has the best reviews as far as being a safe place to leave your car for the weeklong trip. Be prepared to leave your keys with the valet person who will park it for you. TIP – Take a video of your vehicle before you leave. If anything happens you will have proof that it happened after you left it at the lot. Also take a picture of your valet card (in case you lose it). They will only need the slip number upon return. When the shuttle dropped us off at Pier 66, we got our first glimpse of the magnificent magnitude of the Encore. Built in 2019, it is the newest Norwegian cruise liner. The shuttle driver gave us a card to call the lot when we return and then instructed us to bring our bags to the luggage area within eyesight of drop off. You should have a pre-arranged time through the website for this. Our pre-arranged drop off bags and board time was 1:00 p.m. You should have your home printer printed labels for each of the bags you are checking in. You will not see these bags until later in the evening. You probably will not receive all of your bags at the same time. One by one they will be left outside your room door in the hallway. When we dropped the bags off, the person instructed us to go wait in line. He said we are probably looking at a two to three hour wait, adding that we could go have lunch and come back because we probably wouldn’t be boarding until around 4:00 p.m. because of the line. This turned out to be misinformation. We were in line at 12:30 p.m. Because of what the baggage instructed us, we were concerned we would be late. The line was about five blocks long. We found a bathroom first, which is on the first floor of Pier 66 even though it doesn’t mention that anywhere. The line moved at a steady pace. Withing twenty minutes we were asked to have identification ready before we went into the warehouse/pier where the boat is docked. Next line was another waiting area. We did not have our Room Keys yet. Others did, but neither Jennifer or I recall seeing any information on getting them. The people who had their keys were in a separate line and got to board. We waited, like the majority of others, in line to get those. At the counter we were asked a series of common questions, mostly regarding Covid symptoms and exposure. Then we moved on to the next line to show our pass. Then we walked the gangway to board. ANNOUNCMENT IN OUR ROOM We used our key to enter our room. Soon afterward, an announcement came over that said it is mandatory for every passenger to meet in the pre-assigned Safety Waiting and check in or we would be considered not checked in. Right away we headed there. There the staff went over the legally required Safety instructions. This only took a minute. The crew was very helpful to move things along and guide us to our room. TIP: Know the area of the ship you are going to be staying in. You will either be in Aft (back), Bow (front), Port (left side when facing forward), or Starboard (right side when facing forward). The Haven is on the 19th deck in an area on the upper floors of the Bow. We got in our room and got settled. There was an announcement over the in-room intercom which gave us an example of the sounds of emergency and announcements. Not long afterward the ENCORE left Seattle port. We purchased the regular meal plan with the option to go to one of six restaurants however many times we wanted. We opted out of the fine dining package, nor did we make reservations to yet. More on how that turned out on DAY FIVE. TIP: We made the mistake of rushing around Seattle to get food before we arrived at the parking lot. You can get food from the buffet area (Garden Club, Deck 16) immediately upon boarding. WiFi. We cannot provide a good tip for you here. We came across THREE different instructions for connecting to, and staying connected with the Norwegian Encore Public WiFi. Each had some piece of information either missing or misrepresented. NCL needs to fix this. For our first dinner onboard we attended the Manhattan. This is the nicest of the free dining package experiences. The pork was a little dry but the shrimp fettucine were very good. The apple pie dessert was average. The staff is a little hard to communicate with. Their understanding of English seems limited. Their understanding of American dialect, cultural humor, and commoner rhetoric did not at any time, in any department, help ease any of our conversations. TIP: Your room key is the same as a credit card for not only purchases (which go to your credit card), but also as a tracker of where you dine. You must present it when you eat, when you attend entertainment with reservations, make purchases, and when you get on and off the ship. When we got back to our room, our first Freestyle Daily was hanging on the room number fixture at our door. This is the best form of communication. The FD lists all of the events going on, where they are located, and the times. It is super helpful. You will find it necessary to look through each section of it to help plan out each day’s activities. On the back are the hours of operations of all services. Not everything is open and available at all times. TIP: Go through Freestyle Daily with a pen and keep it with you. You get a new one every day. Read it thoroughly. There were a few days when I read the FD again after we wrapped up the day and found information in it we could’ve used (but it was too late). We concluded our first night watching the sunset over the Straight of Juan De Fuca from the Observation Deck listening to pianist Valentyna. You will enjoy the soft serve ice cream Sleeping on the Encore. We left our sliding glass door open a crack because it made a whistling sound when it was shut. We also shut our bathroom door because the hinge rattled when it was open. The cruise ship goes right into open ocean waters on the first night, so expect a real ocean experience. We brought Dramamine but never had to use it. The first night into second day was the only times it might possibly had been needed. The rattling and whistling are minor. The Encore is smooth and quiet and cuts through the water like a hot knife through butter. Very rarely were we taken aback by abrupt noises or rocked by bumps and ocean waves. TIP: Get familiar with the channels on the Encore cable. You will want to leave the navigation channel on most of the time you are in your room. You can look at your bill here also. DAY TWO At sea all day. We were fortunate to have a sunny day. We went to eat at the Taste restaurant. We ordered their express breakfast and were very let down. You won’t like it. It upset Jennifer’s stomach. It’s just a greasy spoon; a typical American breakfast, but it was not made well. For lunch we tried the buffet. The buffet is great because there are healthy and not-so-healthy options. We went to the Local for dinner. The food at The Local is the same basic selection you would find at a bar or pub. The food was just okay. I had the fish and chips, which tasted like something out of a microwave, Jennifer got the chicken salad sandwich, which was fine. The overall experience was set back by the server because of our communication barrier. He made it sound like he was going to get me a refill of soda for free (remember, we did not purchase the unlimited beverage plan). He did not bring it back until we were done eating dessert. This had me concerned that we were being charged for a soda I did not get to enjoy. TIP: Tipping. Each time there is a transaction (like buying drinks), you are given a receipt that you must sign. This is an opportunity to leave a tip on the receipt, or not. You can also hand the server cash. Either way, you each one of your guests are being charged $20.00 per day, per person which is being split amongst the entire staff. We opted to give our assigned housekeeper a nice tip on the first day and our service reflected her gratitude for doing so. We explored the ship. We walked the jogging path. We walked all of the outdoor decks available for walking – 7, 8, 16, and 17. We also went to look at the Laser Tag and Racetrack area. The Encore has the largest racetrack in the fleet. This uppermost area on the aft of the ship are rarely crowded. We were able to book a slot playing Laser Tag and absolutely loved it! We also played Bingo. We did not win, so we don’t have anything positive to say about it. Pricey, but fun. Walking the floors, we were highly entertained by Latin Express, a duo who was playing at the Sugarcane. TIP: Book your show reservations before the cruise. We were unable to attend any of the comedy shows because we did not book ahead of time. DAY THREE We started the day with Starbucks coffee. Being that there is only one on board for 4,000 people, we worried about lines. Not once during the entire trip have we been in line more than ten minutes. Also of mention, the staff everywhere is welcoming, no matter their position. Land Ho! Juneau, Alaska. We arrived at 2:30 p.m. Departure was 10:30 p.m., so there was plenty of time to enjoy the excursion and see Juneau. This was the easiest Disembarking. TIP: Deck 6 is where you disembark in Juneau. We found this out at 2:30 p.m. You will hear information about disembarking while in the hallways, but not in your suite/cabin/room. The in-room announcement are emergencies only. It is easiest to Deck 6 by stairs because most passengers use the elevators. If you arrive too early you will be told to disperse to other areas, as they cannot have a large crowd gather in one place. We were met by our tour guide at the parking lot. Our tour was the Mendenhall Glacier hike. Our guide, Michael is a young outdoorsy type. This excursion is outstanding. Nothing better than getting out into the nature Alaska provides. The hike is about five miles through the Alaskan wilderness with impressive views of the glacier. If you are active, this is a must do. We heard that the Helicopter to the glacier was impressive. There was a whale watching one that was cancelled. Our group was small (about 12 people), which made it great for us. Michael offered to drop us off in Juneau after the hike. We chose not to because we were ready to eat and did not want to be late for boarding. We had dinner at the Garden Café. One of the members of our tour group spoke very highly of the Beatles Tribute band. This is also highly promoted by NCL, as pictures of the band are in most of the promotional material. The Cavern is a club on Deck Eight. It is supposed to be a replica of the actual club in Liverpool England that the Beatles played for years before become the famous Fab Four we know them as. The Cavern is poorly set up for live music viewing. The Beatles tribute band must’ve been having some issues because only three members played. We had heard just prior to arrival that one of the members was sick and would not be playing. The band covered the material quite well as a three piece, but we could tell they were uncomfortable. TIP: Get to the Cavern early if you would like seat. There is an area for dancing, but the dance area was only used on a few songs. There should be more seating options. There were almost as many people standing as siting. DAY FOUR TIP: Read through the entire Freestyle Daily if you want to know all of your options. Skagway. From the landing area, all passengers MUST take a shuttle into town (less than a mile). We found out once we were in town that this is because of a recent rockslide. Skagway is only a few blocks, but packs tons of history, art, saloons, pubs, and scenery. We had about an hour and a half before our excursion, so we went shopping for local art and souvenirs. We thought ahead and packed some sandwiches we got from the buffet on the ship. This wasn’t necessary. Our excursion is called the Bike, Hike, and Float tour. Bob and Gabi and Jenna. The walk from town to the meeting plaza is maybe 200 yards. One of the excursions in plain sight is the train. We are active people, so the train wasn’t option. Besides, Jennifer is uncomfortable with sheer heights. Our tour guides were a little late arriving at the plaza. We became slightly nervous because one of the other tour hawkers (people with signs calling for you to come take their excursion) said they hadn’t even heard of Sockeye Cycle. Gabi and Jenna gathered our group and drove us about ten miles out of town to Dyea. There we rode bikes, learned about the rich history and poor miner stories. Then Bob took us on a hike up the Chilkoot Trail. Bob is 75 and healthier than most people I know. He told us he’s had over 100 people take the excursion and not be able to make the one mile hike we went on. Bob was also our rafting captain. You are in great hands with Bob. He could write a book. We enjoyed this port more than all the others. The people of Skagway are real folks. We filled our plates twice over with buffet food then retired early. DAY FIVE Glacier Bay. No one will inform you of this, but the front bow of the ship on Deck 8 gets opened up. The first glacier is Margerie Glacier. The ship stops and does a 360 degree view, so every passenger at every vantage point gets a chance to see without having to change places on the ship. We went to the top of the aft area where the race track overlook is. It is one of the few unobstructed places on the boat (other than the race track light poles). We heard the view from The Haven is unobstructed. As the boat spins around, you get an amazing sense of the vastness and beauty the makes Alaska unique. The second glacier is the John’s Hopkins Glacier and inlet. The Encore is unable to get any closer than Jaw Point because in May and June the government closes the inlet. Mama seal are known to give birth and the area is to be left undisturbed during this period. After about three hours the ship leaves Glacier Bay, passing Reid Glacier on the Starboard side. There are other cruise lines in the area. There are also small boat tours. We observed a group of about 30 people get off group canoes and kayaks and walk toward Reid glacier. The Encore also sails past the Glacier Bay Visitor Center on the way in and the way out of the bay. TIP: GO OUTSIDE! The glaciers are a once in a lifetime observance. Go outside, no matter the weather and take in the pristine solitude and freshness. For lunch we tried the restaurant called Savor. It was splendid. Savory enough to change our minds again about going to the restaurants instead of the buffet. We tried to make reservations at one of the fancy restaurants. We were unable to get a booking except for very late in the evening. At first we reserved a table at the Food Republic. We reserved a 7:30 table. About twenty minutes later we looked on the app to verify our eating time and it was changed to 8:45. Jennifer called and was told that the app is not reliable for booking. TIP: The app is not reliable for booking reservations for dinner. Dinner at the Manhattan. DAY SIX: From Glacier Bay we go through the Aleutian Islands to Ketchikan. We were most excited about this stop. However, the Encore docks at a place called Ward Cove. This is in abandoned area consisting mostly of junkyards and dumps. The passengers are all subjected to shuttle busses seven miles into Ketchikan. Some of the busses are 30 years old. This didn’t seem like a big deal until we pulled into downtown and saw two competitor ocean liner’s moored against docks downtown. The window of time to visit is too brief. Roughly three hours total if you count how long the wait is at Berth 4 (the line went around two warehouses) to board the shuttle bus, drive into town, and do the same on the way back. Ketchikan is quaint. We really wanted to go on the excursion where you get to see Totem Pole’s being made. We ended up walking through town and visited the Totem Heritage Center. You will want to go there if you’d like to know the history of Totem Pole making, what totem’s mean to natives, and how prevalent they were at one time (captured in photographs). TIP: Each time we got on and off the boat we were told not to bring water or food. Most people did. No mention was made. We packed a lot of entertainment in. We went to see the Beatles tribute band at the Cavern again. This time there was a sign on the door which read REHEARSAL IN PROGRESS. We did not find out what this meant. This time the group had a fourth member who was in a white suit. He looked and sang very much like John Lennon. His connection with the band seemed strained. We couldn’t determine whether he was an actual member of if he was trying out. Next we had reservations to see Choir of Man. TIP: See Choir of Man. To cap off the night we popped our heads into the Social Club to watch a comedian. I really wish we could’ve stayed. We love comedy, and it sucks that we didn’t get to get reservations for the comics onboard. DAY 7 Back to the ocean for most of the day. Lastly arriving in Victoria, B.C. Again, the window of time was small, a total of three and a half hours. With arrival being at 8:00 p.m., and only the most aggressive passengers actually getting off the ship at that time, there is a sense of urgency. Being such a late arrival, however, made it so dinner options were limited. It was Memorial Day Weekend Saturday night, so there was a LOT of activity. Again we chose the free path. We walked from the ship away from the pier onto Dallas Road. It is still light at that time. The Straight of San Juan De Fuca is beautiful in the end of day sun. From Beacon Hill park you could see Mount Baker and the Olympic Peninsula mountain tops. There are a lot people out and about. Be ready for there to be a lot of loud cars. Evidently that is a thing in Victoria. We walked to a park, then headed uptown on Douglas Street then decided to take Government Street because the cars were so loud. We walked past the Parliament Building and the historical Fairmont hotel to Chinatown. Part of the way is a walking mall. Most of the stores were closed. The itinerary of the ship made this stop less enjoyable than it could be. All the Chinatown restaurants were closed. This was the far end of a wonderful walking loop. We made it back to the ship a little bit early, so we put unnecessary pressure on ourselves. We got in about 17,000 steps that day. LAST DAY: The ship leaves Victoria, B.C. at a little after midnight and arrives in Seattle, Washington at about 6 a.m. This gives just about an hour to prepare to disembark. Ours was held up nearly 45 minutes. Instead of going to Deck 6 as we have all other ports, we were instructed at the last minute to go to deck 7. The process was very slow to leave, including leaving the Pier 66 area. AFTERTHOUGHTS Drink Package – We spent about $60.00 total for drinks, so we saved well over a hundred dollars by getting sodas when we needed them. With the exception of a few very loud drunk people, and an inconsiderate couple who thought it was okay to smoke cigarettes on their balcony by our room (and continued to do so after housekeeping gave them a warning), fellow passengers are positive, courteous, and helpful. Generally, everyone we spoke with agreed that NCL tends to inform you of upcoming options as they are happening. For example, as I write this I’m watching a YouTube video called “New Norwegian NCL Encore Ultimate Ship Tour 2023.” It talks about The Local Bar & Grill and how it is open to order food for 24 hours. We wish we would’ve known this while on board! Bon Voyage!

If I were to say there is an informational pandemic, it would imply that there was a time when informative sources were reliable and now they are not. When it comes to information and resources to benefit solo custodial fathers, this is not the case. Information for single dads that is personalized (we are a marginalized class), consistent, and qualitative, has yet to be good. This is an illness; a woe upon society that has negative effects, long term, on children. Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a dad when it comes to the deep, emotional caring for his children. Most of us make due, encumbered by our own limitations. Still, none of us can do it alone. When the State of Oregon awarded sole custody of my daughter to me, my spirit soared. I finally had a fighting chance at protecting my little girl from the litany of no-shows, let downs, close-calls, and harmful situations she was exposed to thanks to her birth mother’s substance use disorder (SUD). As I’ve come to better understand addiction, I’ve learned an indisputable truth: every addict’s behavior comes as the result of making a choice. Having barely turned four years old, my daughter was far from completely being raised. It was a wakeup call like no other. As my fight to get protective custody came to a close, I found myself at the standing at edge of the unknown. “Watch what you wish for, you just might get it.” At the time, I had less than a year in recovery from drugs myself. As gracious as I was (still am) with the joy of fully being there for my child, I had to admit I was in over my head. Fortunately, I had faith in my Higher Power, support from my twelve step program fellowship, and the daily clarity of a clean mind. There were very few websites, forums, or books to help. Everything was geared toward women. My people were not represented. Realizing I can’t be a single parent raising my daughter alone, one of the first things I asked was, “How do women do this?” The National Center for Substance Abuse and Child Welfare tells us that 1 in 8 children in the United States under 17 is living in a household where a parent is struggling with addiction. Nearly 9 million kids (I’ve seen estimates as high as 26 million) are in this predicament. This means increased risk of neglect, chaos, poverty, substance exposure, domestic violence, and removal by state child welfare professionals. Speaking as an addict in recovery, none of those types of statistics mattered to me when I was using. Remember this if you are a dad wanting to protect your child(ren) from a harmful situation with their addled mother. Give yourself a break from negative self-talk when you get upset or give in to unreasonable demands, but please, get yourself some help. No one gets better unless they want to. The most frightening component you’ll face as a dad whose kids are enduring a parents’ substance abuse situation are the potential long-term effects. The likelihood your exposed children will struggle with drugs themselves or get into a relationship with a person who has a SUD increases compared to homes where no substance abuse is occurring. Over time, the effects will show up in our kids. They might express themselves by letting out feelings of powerlessness, self-hate, hopelessness, abandonment, worthlessness, depression, or anger. I’m dealing with the fallout of this today. On season two of the television series, The Flight Attendant, the main character Cassidy Bowden (played by Kaley Cuoco), struggles with alcoholism. The writers provide an accurate in-depth look at the conflicting voices in many an alcoholic’s head. There is an imaginary room called the ‘mind palace’ where our (I identify as an alcoholic/addict in recovery) demons and other personalities are represented (i.e., wild me, healthy future me, boring me, child me, etc.). As Cassidy opens lines of communication between her many selves, she comes to find that her substance use disorder was enabled by her upbringing–the lack of and/or overcompensation style parenting inherent to substance abuse. As she struggles with humility in her quest to put herself back together in sobriety, she has an unexpected meeting with her mother–the loving parent burdened with the brunt of alcoholic wreckage by both daughter and husband. Attempting to make amends by using her own interpretation of the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, Cassidy apologizes for the pain she has caused. In a moment of transparency, the mom, played by Sharon Stone, tells Cassidy, “I love you, but I don’t like you. I will not forgive you until you learn to forgive yourself.” The words of Sharon Stone’s character in the scene seemed blunt, but I knew it came from a place of love. My wife and I were in tears. My daughter left the room. I took into account that, now an adult, she has been burdened by years of intermittent interaction and emotional neglect by her substance challenged birth mother. This scene triggered too much emotion. The pain we leave in our kids is real. For a sole custody dad looking to explain the maternal absence due to substance abuse issues, the challenge is real, daily, and lifelong. Please consider this blog as a resource. Some of the books mentioned below might help, even though only one is written by a male. I work tirelessly to find ways men can be aided as single parents. We are a minority, yet rapidly growing number. Our role is of the utmost importance. I know firsthand that it takes time to sift through the tons of social material full of spiteful remarks, resentment, even hate. Most men don’t want to bother with the negative expression, but find themselves having to, especially when dealing with a system set up to favor a parent based on genitalia. Divorce puts the fun in dysfunctional. But it’s traumatic for kids. Both parents forget this all too easily. We move on. The kids don’t have that capacity yet. Some suggested books (apologies that no links are provided as this is not an endorsement): My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a Disease: A Child’s View: Living With Addiction by Claudia Black. 2018 – A story for children ages 5-12, with drawing exercises to help them work through their feelings of loss, loneliness, abandonment, and frustration over an addicted parent. Emmy’s Question by Jeannine Auth. 2014 – A story inspired by the diary of a young girl, and was endorsed prior to publication by the Betty Ford Center’s Children’s Program. I Can Be Me: A Helping Book for Children of Alcoholic Parents by Dianne S. O’Connor. 2009 – An illustrated book for ages 4-12, this story is aimed at helping children of addicts take off the masks that hide their true feelings and educates them about substance abuse and how the kids are not to blame for their parents’ behavior. Addie’s Mom Isn’t Home Anymore: Addiction is scary, especially when you don’t know what it is by Genia Calvin. 2021 – Addie is a young girl who doesn’t know who, if not her own mom, she can trust. This story helps a child overcome their fear of helping someone you love who can’t be helped. Timbi Talks About Addiction: Helping Children Cope with Addiction by Trish Healy Luna, Janet Healy Hellier, and Mackenzie Mitchell. 2020 – A story teaching that addiction is a disease and is not their fault. This book has been recognized as a resource in fighting the damaging impact of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) Floating Away: A Book to Help Children Understand Addiction by Andrew J. Bauman. 2019 – A metaphorical story told from the perspective of a child working through a storm An Elephant in the Living Room by Jill M. Hastings and Marion H. Typpo. 1994 – This illustrated story is one of the early Hazelden children’s books aimed at helping a child cope with alcoholism and addiction. I welcome your thoughts and encourage all dads to network. Let me know how I can help you. Please join my mailing list or leave a comment below.